


Not Allowed

by WhiskeysWorks



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Blackwatch Era, Body Horror, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mutual Pining, Shocking I know, really really late mcgenjiweek prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:34:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23880889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskeysWorks/pseuds/WhiskeysWorks
Summary: He knew love was supposed to hurt sometimes, but it always made up for that in the good times. At least, that was what everyone said. So he did not really understand why he felt like his was muted. He did not hurt that bad and he did not feel all that good.There was a lot of things love was supposed to do for people that it did not for Jesse.
Relationships: Jesse McCree/Genji Shimada
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	Not Allowed

**Author's Note:**

> Wow it's been a hot minute since I've written any McGenji. This has been sitting unfinished for months so sorry if it feels disjointed at points. Hope you enjoy anyways!

Jesse McCree thought he knew what love was. Thought a little bit of charm and a splash of infatuation was all it took to have someone love him back. To feel the same way he thought he did about them. 

First it was with the boy down the street of his little house in New Mexico, the one that would come over and play with him outside in the summer sun. They would wrestle and run and share candies and a soda from the gas station in town that shut down soon after that. Jesse would smile at him and laugh, thinking that the grin brighter than the sun that he got in return was love. 

Then, he told his Mama, and she yelled at him, forbade the boy from coming back over. Jesse had not understood why at first, but as he grew up, he saw his mother’s nerves when he was with other boys and watched her pray that her son would not disgrace the Lord. Bullshit, was his next thought. 

There were many throughout the years, they came and went. He loved his Mama dearly, but it took her some time to come to terms with who he thought he loved. Sometimes, Jesse wondered if she ever really did. 

It did not matter after she passed and he was left running to Deadlock for a spot to put his delinquent ass, starting up the gang with another person he thought he loved. Ashe was sharp tongued and an even sharper shot, and Jesse thought the admiration and envy he felt was love. She had money, people who respected her, and power at her fingertips. Jesse liked that, liked the way he felt at her side. Mistook that feeling for it being her doing, and got a punch in the jaw for it. She had been red as her eyes, though, Jesse laughing it off and did not try again after that. 

His version of love tended to rise quickly and fade even faster after he was turned down or it was discovered to be lust rather than love, a pattern that repeated itself and got his heart broken more than a few times. 

The next time he thought he had been in love was something dangerous. Gabriel Reyes was a hard man, but he was giving towards Jesse. Helped him back to his feet and gave him a good path to follow when he had nothing going for him. A puppy crush, was what they called it after Reyes gave him a hard shake of his head and a firm “No”. 

Jesse found his interest faded quickly once more after getting a blunt lecture about it and shrugging it off. Would have been a bad idea anyways, in hindsight. Besides, Reyes had his eye on someone else. 

He knew love was supposed to hurt sometimes, but it always made up for that in the good times. At least, that was what everyone said. So he did not really understand why he felt like his was muted. He did not hurt that bad and he did not feel all that good. There was a lot of things love was supposed to do for people that it did not for Jesse. 

Years passed and Jesse did a lot of growing up in them, the missions in Blackwatch hardening him more than even Deadlock had. He understood why Reyes was so tough after seeing the chaos the world could fall into, when they were tasked with reigning it in and not letting anyone know they were on the brink of global disaster. Sure, the Omnic Crisis was over, but there were still wars waging in its wake and organizations like Talon rising from the ashes. 

The inside jobs were the worst, and often left them with less people coming out of them than those that went in. Or, on special occasions, they gained a member. On one occasion.

“Mission Log 3887, Shimada Castle. Time: 02:32. Location: Blackwatch Headquarters, Rome. Commander had me doing scout and recon, the usual since I had been posted in Japan. Then, we got a distress call around 22:58, somethin’ about our inside man needing help. Comms went dead after that, so Reyes sent me in to check it out. Found our man—or what was left of him—in a pool of blood, limbs hangin’ off, lots of him missing. Gruesome stuff I’ll save the gnarly details of for the medical reports on the poor kid.”

Jesse exhaled slowly, rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times. Itching for a cigarillo to chew on or some nicotine to calm his nerves.

“Apparently, it was fratricide. I don’t really know the ins and outs of it, but whatever happened was rough. I’m surprised he’s still alive. Anyways, we got him outta there and back to Angie, er, Dr. Ziegler, and he’s gettin’ put back together at the Swiss Headquarters. He’ll be shipped back to us when he’s ready, already signed the deal and all that. Shimada clan business is still on our radar, but until we get this guy back on our side, it’ll be put on hold. Shimada Genji is his name, I think. And other than him, there were no casualties. It was a quiet mission through and through. End report.”

Jesse sighed as he set down the earpiece he had spoken into, reading through the transcription and muttering darkly over the words it had trouble identifying from his accent. He sent it off to Reyes when he was done, leaning back in his bed and staring up at the ceiling. It had been a quiet mission, but seeing Shimada in all that blood was still giving him nightmares. 

He wished he could leave out the gruesome details from his mind as well as the report, but as it was, they stayed burned into his memory. Shimada had still been choking on his own blood, the bottom half of his jaw torn from his face, throat constricting, eyes rolled back. Strange scars covered the one arm he still had and laced over his face, like a burn but darker and in his veins. Legs cut from behind, bone twisted and flesh ruptured. 

Jesse rubbed his eyes, shaking his head. It was awful, the smell of iron and ozone still stuck in his nose. With another sigh, he set aside his tablet and tried to get some sleep.

-

The weeks passed and Jesse forgot about Shimada for the most part, too caught up in his own issues and missions keeping him busy to be worried about someone he did not see on a regular basis. But then, he was seen on a regular basis. Genji Shimada showed up to Rome like a shadow, his eyes dark and glowing red. Body an amalgamation of metal and wires and synth skin. Scars where there was flesh, though, he hardly had any of that left. He barely spoke, kept out of sight for the most part, and did his job with ruthless efficiency. 

Even with all he did to avoid the people around him, Jesse still managed to find a way to be near him. Sometimes he even impressed himself. Genji was cold towards everyone, and the cowboy was no exception. He did not mind, though. Talking to himself was better conversation than Genji provided, and being in a Talon interrogation chamber had held more welcome than the ninja did. He did not mind that, either. 

Having teammates to work around seemed like a chore to Genji, all the mandatory training and mission work something he did alone as best as he could. When he could manage to shake Jesse off his back. The only person who had not been deterred by the rather obvious signs he was putting out. 

Jesse knew defense mechanisms when he saw them, and Shimada had been through hell and back before he was shoved down into a new level of it. Anyone would be distrusting and distant after what he had gone through, after signing his life away to an organization that only valued him for his deadly skillsets. Jesse knew the story, he had been there and lived it too. Still did, but at least his chapter was not so binding. 

Even with all that Shimada did when he should not have and did not do when he needed to, Jesse still enjoyed hanging around him. He was genuinely interested in learning more about Genji, wanting to gain his trust, if possible. 

Training was the easiest way to do that, when the ninja had to show up and pick a partner or work with a team that generally had Jesse in it.

“You’ll be working hand-to-hand today, a lot of you are getting too reliant on having a long-range weapon on you. Partner up with someone in your skillset, and I’ll move you if I see you need to be moved,” Reyes ordered, Jesse looking around to see if Rei was close to him. They were well matched when they sparred occasionally in the gym, and Jesse considered himself one of the more well off of the group of them when it came to hand-to-hand. Training with Shimada forced him to be better at it. 

He waved at her when she came into view, and she motioned to a free spot on the sparring mats. And then Shimada was walking up to him, staring up at him with those red eyes expectantly. Jesse paused, glancing at Rei over the ninja’s shoulder.

“Hey, uh...Sorry, partner, but I was already paired up with...” he trailed off, motioning towards Rei, who had her arms crossed over her chest, brows raised. Shimada turned to look at her for a moment, then scoffed, the sound quiet as it was filtered through the metal of his mask, eyes shifting back to Jesse.

“You are better than her and you know it.”

“Aw, I wouldn’t say that.”

“I do. And no one else is a decent match for me,” Genji shrugged one shoulder, the movement striking Jesse as odd since the rest of his body did not quite move with it.

“But I am? C’mon, Genji, you beat my ass into the mats every time.”

“You’ve gotten better.”

“Not good enough, though. You’re outta my league on this one, bud.”

“Do not call me that.”

Jesse raised his hands placidly, smiling a bit.

“Sorry, I forget sometimes. You should train with Reyes, he’ll actually give you a run for your money.”

Shimada’s brows furrowed, Jesse about to reach out to pat his shoulder consolingly before he remembered that it was a very bad idea that had already gotten him into a real fight with the cyborg and a black eye by the end of it.

“We can spar some afterwards if you’re feelin’ up to it, how’s that sound?”

Genji did not answer him, merely sighing and turning on his heel, heading towards the commander. Jesse watched him go, only shaken from it by Rei calling for him.

“Oi! You coming or what? I can’t spar with the air!”

“Yeah, I’m comin’!”

Jesse jogged over and sank into a defensive stance he had learned to relax into from Genji, something with enough distance between him and a metal fist to the gut and room to dance around the ninja’s attacks. Except he was up against Rei, who circled him like Reyes had taught them, light on her feet but firm in her stance. Jesse kept his eyes on her hands, his own held up to his face protectively. Waited for the first move. 

Rei struck fast, but Jesse avoided easily. Genji was faster. He ducked beneath the follow up punch, shifting his weight and turning his hips into the hook he caught her side with. Rei stumbled back with a wheeze as Jesse hopped back into his regular stance, still on guard. Pulled back and spun when she overcompensated just slightly on her next punch, landing a kick that pushed her back again. There was a frown on Rei’s face as she finally caught his next strike, shoving it down and away from her shoulder.

“Where’d you learn to kick like that?” She asked between heavy breaths, Jesse shrugging.

“You get hit with them enough, you learn how to do it for yourself.”

“Yeah, well, I think I’m well on my way through that lesson...”

Jesse grinned and motioned for her to come at him again. They went back and forth, trading punches and blocks, Jesse getting wrestled to the ground and managing to twist his way out of a lock. He was back on his feet not a moment later, a blur of red catching his eye over Rei’s shoulder. Shimada sparring with Reyes. 

He moved like water, flowing around the commander’s more rigid style with a flurry of attacks that seemed to land every time. Sweat dampening his hair, body folding a bit as he caught the kick Reyes sent his way. Jesse’s eyes followed the way his spine arched, the metal pieces of it moving almost hypnotically. Then, he was punched in the jaw.

“Fuck—!”

“Shit, sorry, Jesse! I thought you were looking at...What were you looking at?” Rei asked as she crouched next to him, glancing over her shoulder. Jesse rubbed his jaw, eyes still not leaving the way Shimada danced around the commander. It truly was like a dance, each step effortless in the way only years of training could make it, his body spinning and twisting around attacks and into his own smoothly. Like he only felt comfortable in his body doing this. Doing what he was made for. 

Jesse was caught staring when they took a break in their round, Genji’s eyes flicking over to his. They held his gaze just a beat too long. And then Jesse did what only he did best. Gave a grin and a wink, and probably ruined a whole lot of things. 

Genji shook his head and finally looked away, Jesse’s smile growing as Rei made a sound of realization.

“No, don’t do that, Jess. You’re gonna get gutted if you keep that up.”

“Says who?”

“Says the look in his eyes. I wouldn’t go after someone like that. Hell, I wouldn’t go after anyone here at all. It’s not gonna end well.”

“Yeah...You’re probably right.”

“I know I am. Now will you please pay attention so I don’t get my ass roasted by Reyes for punching your face? I’ve already done three hundred push ups today.”

“Fine, fine.”

-

Genji tore himself apart during missions sometimes. Did not quite avoid a bullet here, stayed in the line of fire to deflect just a little too long there. Wires ripped and sparking when he came limping back, the red light in his eyes flickering. Jesse had a feeling that part was not because of a mechanical malfunction. Muttering darkly to himself in Japanese as he swiped a mix of blood and those strange biotics that kept his cybernetic system running in synchrony with the human parts of him from his hands. Black mixed with crimson, those eyes flicking to Jesse when he came over to survey the damage Genji had done. Both to the Talon forces and himself.

“They didn’t stand much of a chance, huh?”

Genji never answered his tries for small talk, not when he was like this. Now was not something special. Jesse holstered Peacekeeper, sighing as he pressed his comm.

“Jefe, we’ve cleared sector five.”

“Good work. Sending in evac, stand by for Fio’s confirmation.”

“Copy that.”

Genji shifted by his side, gaze cast down as he rolled a Talon agent over gracelessly with his foot. Part of their face could be seen from where Jesse had put a bullet through their helmet.

“I wonder if he thought he was doing the right thing, or if it was not really his choice...” he murmured, tone cold and unfeeling. Something about it was distant, as most things he said were, like he was lost in memory. Jesse barely caught it, frowning a bit as he glanced at the cyborg.

“Probably just doin’ what someone told him. Not sure it’s that deep.”

“Just following orders.”

“Yeah...”

“That was the only thing he could do right,” Genji hummed, straightening once more and gazing out at the city lights in the distance, hair moving slightly in the breeze. The cords on the back of his neck swayed lightly, shoulders rising and falling steadily with his breath.

“I wonder if we are any different.”

Jesse took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair, raising his brows with a crooked little grin.

“Can’t say if I’m completely sure we ain’t, partner. Though, I’ve never been particularly good at doin’ everything I’m told, I got a different kinda noose around my neck.”

“And what’s that?”

“Lil’ somethin’ called loyalty. To a fault, some might say. That’s where I think we are different than these guys. They’re just hired guns. Us? We’d take a bullet for our team. I’d die for you guys, almost have. Everyone here would. We got connections, teammates, a family where we never had one before. It’s one of the better things about being pulled into this organization, if you ask me.”

The ninja went quiet again, Jesse looking over at him and putting his hat back on. He was surprised to find Genji’s eyes already on him, something curious behind them. Something hidden further back that Jesse could not place.

“You are rather optimistic,” he muttered, Jesse laughing.

“Maybe I am. I’ll end up payin’ for it when it all comes to an end, but while we’re all still here, that keeps me straight.”

There was another long pause, Genji shifting his weight, fingers flexing.

“I suppose it is not a bad thing until it is.”

“Ain’t all things that way, to some extent? I can’t say I agree with everythin’ we’re up to on these missions, but I do know it keeps people safe in the long run. That we’re keepin’ the peace as best we can while we’re at it. Until somethin’ happens to show us it was wrong this whole time, which will probably end up happening, knowing our luck. But until then, we just do our best and stay alive, just like anyone else would.”

“We are not like ‘anyone else’.”

Jesse grinned, chewing on the end of his cigarillo.

“Nah, I guess not. Philosophical conversations ain’t really my forte, I prefer just takin’ each thing as it comes. Reality is hardly ever what we like to imagine it to be, that’s the only truth I’ve found. And I’ll probably be in the ground next to these guys sooner than finding out anythin’ else.”

Genji stared out at the city skyline again, eyes flickering over it as he thought. Always thinking, always pondering, always lost in it. Always so obvious to read, always impossible to read.

“Perhaps you are right.”

“All we can do is find out.”

“You boys ready for a ride home?” Fio announced over the comms, Jesse jumping slightly at the intrusion, cursing softly before clearing his throat and recovering with a grin.

“You betcha, sweetheart. Thanks for rememberin’ us.”

“How could I forget my favourite cowboy?”

“Aww, darlin’, you’re makin’ me blush!”

Genji rolled his eyes, standing a little stiffer and crossing his arms over his chest. Jesse nudged him good-naturedly with his elbow, getting a glare in return but nothing more. Back to his usual aloof demeanor.

“Stand by for pickup, ETA two minutes.”

“Copy that.”

-

“Don’t fucking touch me! Just leave me alone, McCree! I don’t want your fucking hovering!” Genji shouted, Jesse backing away with a glare as his hand was slapped away. Upgrades had left the cyborg stiff and uncoordinated, his shoulders shivering slightly with the whir of his machinery. His eyes flickered and he stumbled again, hitting the wall with a thud. 

Jesse watched him. Simply watched. Saw his fingers curl and hands go up to clutch at his arms, leaving indentations in the flesh and synth skin, his eyes going wide as he gasped and fumbled at the faceplate, hands shaking. Saw it clatter to the ground and Genji follow it, knees hitting the linoleum hard. 

Saw his face, the scars, the metal of his jaw, the raw line where skin met it, the pieces of his face that were missing covered with a sculpted vision of something that was not quite human. His mouth parted—just what the bone would look like, no synth skin or lips yet, like something dead or burned—a static sounding cough leaving him. Sweat dripping down his brow, hair sticking to it, wires hanging around his face. Jesse knelt, and whether Genji did not have the strength to push him away or not, he allowed the grip on the back of his neck.

“You’re panicking. Just breathe.”

“I-I’m not panicking I’m—I can’t breathe I can’t feel anything but it all burns, it burns, Jesse it hurts so much I—”

“Listen to me. Just listen to my voice. Your systems are probably just gettin’ used to the things they’ve done to you, it’s no different than last time. Just breathe, you’re in control.”

“I can’t see, I can’t see you—” Genji cut off with a choked sound and began rambling in Japanese, his hand whipping up to grab Jesse’s forearm. It hurt, his grip tight enough to leave bruises. Jesse would wear them the next day, and neither would say anything about it. 

They had done this before, played the game. And they both lost, every time. 

Jesse waited it out with Genji, let him tear at his arm and mutter and stare at the floor, lost somewhere in his head while he murmured softly in return to just breathe, Genji, you’ll be fine, I promise. Until he was fine again, or some weak semblance of it. 

Until he had his knees pulled to his chest, hiding his face between them and the arm he laced around them, hand sliding down Jesse’s arm to slowly, slowly take his hand. They did not talk about this part either. The calm after the storm. Some days it was worse than others, and all things considered, this was one of the better episodes. 

Jesse squeezed his hand lightly, nothing more than an affirmation that he was in the present, that his reality had not been stolen from him again. That was all Genji needed. That was all Genji allowed.

-

Jesse took a drag off his cigarillo and blew the smoke up into the brilliant blue of the sky in a slow stream. He was sprawled out on the roof behind some crates and watch towers, one arm tucked beneath his head and eyes closed. There were a few empty beer bottles between himself and Genji, the ninja not having any but seeming rather amused at how loose Jesse had gotten in the past hour. 

He was not drunk to the point of sloppiness, no where near that, and the beer had been too cheap to do much to him anyways. It was just to take the edge off of what the nicotine could not. To relax for a few hours without that constant nagging train of thought in the back of his mind. 

Genji seemed less tense as well, if the way he closed his eyes against the breeze and turned his face up to the sun was any indication. It was nice, seeing him at ease. As if he was forgetting, even just for a few moments, how much things hurt. 

Jesse tapped him with his foot, grinning a bit, the alcohol running through his system making his mouth run more than it already did. Genji glanced at him, raised a brow.

“What’cha thinkin’? I know you’re always thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’, and I’m sure it’s interesting.”

Genji tilted his head, then shrugged.

“Not much, at the moment, if I am being honest. Which is a nice change.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. You...You make me feel at peace, in a strange way.”

Much quieter this time, Jesse cracking his eyes open and squinting a bit against the light.

“Well that’s awful nice of you to say.”

“It is simply the truth. You do not judge me, even though you have seen more of what I am now than anyone else besides the doctors,” Genji murmured, his fingertips gracing over the cowboy’s stomach. Featherlight touches, barely there. Jesse’s brow furrowed.

“You talk to me still, you train with me. You make me feel like a part of this team. You make that small part of me that still desperately wants to belong somewhere feel at home.”

There was a long stretch of silence between them as Genji’s hand came to rest over his heart, fingers rubbing the fabric of his shirt. And then he leaned over, pressed his faceplate to Jesse’s lips where his own would be, and ruined a whole lot of things. Jesse froze. Stared at Genji when he pulled away, sitting up and fixing his hat.

“Gen, I ain’t that drunk,” he muttered with a shake of his head. And oh, that was not the right thing to say at all. Jesse knew as soon as it left his mouth. Watched the words hit Genji like a physical thing, his eyes widening slightly, darting away. He stood abruptly.

“Forgive me.”

“No, wait, Genji—Don’t just run away from this, if you’re gonna pull a stunt like that, you can’t just leave now—”

“I should not have done that, I’m sorry, I—I did not think...I was not thinking.”

Jesse reached out, taking Genji’s arm, making him stay. He did not fight it, but he did not look at the cowboy either.

“Genji. You can’t be serious.”

“I-I was not.”

“No?”

“It was my mistake, we can just blame it on the alcohol.”

“You didn’t drink anythin’,” Jesse reminded him slowly, Genji shaking his head.

“I will not do it again, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t—I ain’t mad about it, but I also know it’s...I mean, us? Really? The way we are now, the mess of who we are? It ain’t the best idea, trust me. It’s not that I don’t like you or anythin’—”

“Jesse. You do not have to explain. That was uncalled for on my part, and I understand. You do not have to reciprocate what was my mistake,” Genji murmured, his shoulders stiff and eyes narrowed, glaring at the ground. Tone cold and abrupt.

“You ain’t even gonna listen to me now?”

“What more is there to say? You told me no, I should not have done that, now let me go.”

Jesse did let him go, but he did not immediately run off like he had expected.

“So that’s it then? We’re gonna pretend it didn’t happen without even talkin’ it through?” he asked, arms going out to wave uselessly before slapping back against his thighs. Genji did not reply.

“Alright. Alright, you know what? That’s fine. I’ll let it go like I do for everythin’ else you do that I really shouldn’t let you get away with. It’s alright, Genji. We’ll say it never happened and walk away from it like we always do. If that’s what you really want, so be it.”

“It is.”

Jesse shrugged, nodding and giving a halfhearted lopsided grin. Genji’s fists clenched and unclenched, but he still had not left.

“Okay. See you at trainin’ then, partner. But one last thing, before you go,” he raised a gloved hand, eyes hardening as he pointed, lips pressed in a tight line. “If you are actually serious, lemme remind you that I won’t always be around when you decide to tell me the truth. I only gave caution, not a no.”

An offer. Another way out, should the ninja want it. A choice to make, one Genji could allow the both of them. But Genji turned, walking away without a backwards glance. Jesse stared after him, breathing in deep. He spat out his cigarillo and put it out under his boot, hands on his hips as he looked up at the sky. It finally hurt the way people always said it would. And he had not even known he was falling until he hit the ground.

“Damn you, Genji Shimada...”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
